Monday, October 4, 2010

I am a Lightweight

Today's piece is entitled "I am a Lightweight" and it goes a little something like this:

You throw like a ninny
You eat like a mouse
You poop like a midget
And you gossip like a louse

But babe when it comes to booze, 
You drink like there's nothing to lose

Like a noble sailor on the open seas,
You down that Jack Daniels with ease!
As I lay on cold floor, feeling my poor tummy roar, 
You chill with my friends until the night ends
Drawing dicks on my face

Not cool.

Though I kid about alcohol, ladies, you should keep this in mind....

That's just sexist.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Whats For Dinner Babe?

So last night, my girlfriend made possibly the most amazing dinner I've ever had in my life. Tri-tip, chopped brisket, pulled pork, garlic mashed potatoes, watermelon, and some seriously boner-inspiring BBQ baked beans. Truly a man's dinner.

Here's a picture of it:

Oh my god this shit was amazing.

After I finished, I told her that I was so happy and impressed that I, yes I, would cook dinner tomorrow. She could just relax, sit back, have a glass of champagne, and watch The Bachelor or whatever the fuck stupid show she watches at night.

So the next day, I went to the grocery store, got all these expensive spices, the best ingredients, the whole nine yards. I got home and told my girlfriend to lay on the couch and to NOT come in the kitchen under any circumstances until it was time to eat. I slaved and toiled away preparing the most delicious feast she had ever laid eyes on. Now, not everything came out exactly how I imagined it, but I think I did a pretty satisfactory job for a man.

Here's what my romantic dinner looked like:

Look, it's happy to see you!

Now, ladies, don't be getting all crazy on me and start emailing me stuff like "OH, MISTER BIG STRONG ROMANTIC MAN, PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND LET ME OFFER YOU ALL KINDS OF FELLATIO AND OTHER SEX ACTS," because I'm just not down with that. You know I already have a girlfriend, and I would never cheat on her unless it was with a celebrity. So please, keep the comments rated G.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Stay Out of My Business

We all know the workplace is no place for a woman... but still, they have trouble understanding this. A man-driven business environment is best kept afloat my minimizing distractions. Men should not be concerned with things like Fall Fashion or which dish soap keeps dishes sparkling clean. The same goes for a home office. That's why today's entry is entitled "Stay Out of My Business"

Fluttering papers, overturned desks, 
A barren wasteland devoid of productivity.

This is the dark portrait
Of business nightmare.

Though your babymaker, we cannot live without,
Your business advice, we can.

So please, don't come into my office
Trying to educate me about the wonders of Clorox,
When I'm clearly trying to look at porn.
And now that you distracted me,
I missed an important plot point.
Alas, I am lost.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Yes, I Do Think You're Pretty. Now Stop Asking.

They just always need validation, don't they? Today's little poetic update is called, "Yes, I Do Think You're Pretty. Now Stop Asking."

Yes, godammit, yes
You are a creature of beauty
Your radiant curls light up my life!
So please,
Stop looking in the mirror now,
We are late for the movie.
You know its going to be dark in there, yes?
Dark, like the color of my soul.
When you whisper the words
"We are going to see Twilight,"
And then you can't decide what to wear,
Like you're going to be judged
As the pasty face of a faggy vampire looks down on you
Pitying your shabby wardrobe.

I know you fellas know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, really, do you have to look like taylor fucking swift every time you step outside?! The answer is no, so shut the fuck up and put on a T-shirt.

"Hmmm, I have the same dress in 19 different colors, but which one do I CHOOSE?!"

Friday, September 24, 2010

Sicky sick :(

My girlfriend is sick today, so I decided to be the good boyfriend that I am and write her a get well soon card. Here is what it said:

Please get better soon my dear! I hate so much when you're sick,
because I either have to eat shitty soup, or make my own food :(

Get well soon!

I then proceeded to draw her a picture of a landscape with a shining sun, trees, and flowers, and in the center of it all I drew her, serving me a cheeseburger.

I hope all my readers feel my pain this day, and I'll update you all soon on my condition. I'm getting very hungry, but hopefully I can pull through. I only ask of you all to pray for me during this trying time.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Post-it love, plus a song!

Today's update is another sticky note! Several sticky notes, actually. I stuck them on the walls of the hallway from the bedroom all the way to the kitchen. Here's what they said:

Good Morning!
(inside the kitchen) Now
(on the fridge) I adore you. :]

I would also like to share a song with you all today. Its not quite a love song, but it is my girlfriend and I's current favorite, so I hope you give it a listen!


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Reasons Why I Love You

Today's update is a two parter. My girlfriend asked me for reasons why I love her, so I decided to write them down....

In list form:

1. You make me smile when you do my laundry
2. You are beautiful when you cook my meals
3. You're smart when you bring me a soda without me asking
4. You are unique in the sense that you don't talk too much
5. You always know what I'm thinking, and you are willing to perform the things that I'm thinking about
6. You make my heart race when you clean the house
7. You somehow enjoy these offensive and degrading love notes, you fucking nutcase.

and in Haiku form:

Why do I love you?
You stay in the kitchen, dear
And you don't know math